Only chaotic evil characters can enter the Lava Level
Last
weekened, we watched the third of the new Star Wars movies, since it
was playing for free in the Movie Network. If anything, this movie
should totally prove that the whole franchise is a piece of shit, the
most overrated thing in the Western hemisphere. Instead of wasting two
hours of my life that I will never get back, I should have just read
the illustrated commentary by film analyst Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD.
Fortunately, I stopped looking for any logic in this movie as soon as
the robot ship turned out to have oxygen in its rooms, hallways and
landing bays, and these robots turned out to communicate by speaking
bad English to each other. I am also not entirely sure why, after the
events that took place in this movie, Yoda and Obi-Wan will happily
join Anakin to live in the Jedi afterworld in the end of Episode VI. I
guess that saving your son really makes up for all your killing of
billions of meaningless redshirts.
Then again, expecting any kind of ideological coherence from this series would be a stretch. As far as I could tell, the whole movie consisted of a montage of somebody's sessions in some fast-paced video game, between which there were more peaceful scenes in which the main characters stood around and talked to each other, using one and the same facial expression no matter what happened. Just like the animations between levels in video games, in fact. There was no plot that I could think of, so my guess is that George Lucas had enlisted his kids write the movie. "Dooku", indeed. I have this lingering feeling that they at least considered naming the evil robot overlord General Fartypants. At least those Space Merchants didn't say "oy vey!" when Evil Anakin was slicing and dicing them.
Of course, the most hilarious thing about this is that no matter how bitterly nerds and geeks complain about George Lucas, they have no choice but go see this movie a dozen times and buy every possible version on DVD and thus pay tribute to Lucas and his kids. I also think that I read somewhere that Hayden Christensen had announced that he will quit acting aftet this, which in my opinion is a pretty good decision... oh darn, apparently he didn't. But based on his choice of work after Star Wars, it looks like the man is already the Mark Hamill of Generation Y.
Let's do a show of hands: how many people believe that there are plenty of current ten-year-olds who will, in ten or twenty years or so, nostalgize the current crop of Star Wars episodes I-III. Will these adults and nerds of tomorrow, in the forums of whatever will then be the equivalent of Fark, untiringly repeat the classic one-liners of the beloved characters such as Dooku, Sith Vicious and whatever that jedi master was called that Nick Leeson played in Episode I? Which lines of these characters have by then become the common vernacular in style of "Use the force, Luke", "Luke, I am your father" or "It's a trap!" I seriously doubt that "Meesa funny!" will make it, and I can't even remember any other lines in Episodes I-III. Perhaps something romantic that Anakin said to Amygdala.
Then again, expecting any kind of ideological coherence from this series would be a stretch. As far as I could tell, the whole movie consisted of a montage of somebody's sessions in some fast-paced video game, between which there were more peaceful scenes in which the main characters stood around and talked to each other, using one and the same facial expression no matter what happened. Just like the animations between levels in video games, in fact. There was no plot that I could think of, so my guess is that George Lucas had enlisted his kids write the movie. "Dooku", indeed. I have this lingering feeling that they at least considered naming the evil robot overlord General Fartypants. At least those Space Merchants didn't say "oy vey!" when Evil Anakin was slicing and dicing them.
Of course, the most hilarious thing about this is that no matter how bitterly nerds and geeks complain about George Lucas, they have no choice but go see this movie a dozen times and buy every possible version on DVD and thus pay tribute to Lucas and his kids. I also think that I read somewhere that Hayden Christensen had announced that he will quit acting aftet this, which in my opinion is a pretty good decision... oh darn, apparently he didn't. But based on his choice of work after Star Wars, it looks like the man is already the Mark Hamill of Generation Y.
Let's do a show of hands: how many people believe that there are plenty of current ten-year-olds who will, in ten or twenty years or so, nostalgize the current crop of Star Wars episodes I-III. Will these adults and nerds of tomorrow, in the forums of whatever will then be the equivalent of Fark, untiringly repeat the classic one-liners of the beloved characters such as Dooku, Sith Vicious and whatever that jedi master was called that Nick Leeson played in Episode I? Which lines of these characters have by then become the common vernacular in style of "Use the force, Luke", "Luke, I am your father" or "It's a trap!" I seriously doubt that "Meesa funny!" will make it, and I can't even remember any other lines in Episodes I-III. Perhaps something romantic that Anakin said to Amygdala.
Have you ever noticed that a lot of "religious folk" don't enjoy science fiction/fantasy?
Posted by beepbeepitsme | 3:49 AM
I think everybody will remember Jar Jar Binks... unfortunately, because it would be better for all of us to forget this most annoying character in all movies ever.
Posted by Anonymous | 9:20 AM
I agree with you on the generally crappiness of the Star Wars movies, but...
Hayden Christensen is actually a fine actor (his performance in Shattered Glass is quite good). I think it is probably unfair to hold any of the performances in Star Wars against the actors, because even the reliable Samuel L. Jackson - who is funny and entertaining even in stuff like Deep Blue Sea (the super-smart shark movie) and The Long Kiss Goodnight (the super-cheesey Geena Davis thriller) - looks stiff and uncomfortable. I mean, Sam Jackson works all the time, in all sorts of bad movies, for all kinds of awful directors, yet his worst performance by far is in Star Wars under George Lucas's direction.
Posted by Jon Hastings | 11:12 AM